It occurred to me at 2:30 this morning that my son is leaving for college in a very few short weeks. Not that I haven't known that this was coming. I've known for a while. There have been orientations, financial aid meetings, meetings with parents, even jokes around our house about what to do with his room (I'm thinking shrine to my departing offspring, hubby wants an office--compromises may have to happen)- but nothing in the world prepares you for the moment it really HITS.
An ice cold wave of desperate maternal clinginess washed over me and literally took my breath away (I'm using literally correctly, for the benefit of all you purists).
My thoughts, in order, went something like this:
1. Who is going to make me want to punch them while simultaneously making me laugh so hard my side hurts?
2. Are we going to have to buy less orange juice?
3. Is he going to remember that we love him?
4. How often will he call home?
5. How often can I call him without being "that mom"?
6. How am I ever going to adjust to him not being there?
For those of you who don't know (and if you're reading this, you do) this little guy has been my constant companion since I was 16 years old. We have cuddled away more hours, skipped through mundane day-to-day activities, laughed and cried more than I had any hope of doing with a kiddo of an emotionally stunted couple of teenage parents. We slept in the same bed when his daddy was at Army, sang songs every day, played and wrestled like we were both blindfolded Tasmanian devils and always the day he would leave was out there far away- a distant "goal" we were reaching for without fully understanding the implications of what college meant.
The overwhelming clinginess I refer to is not just a clever(ish) way to describe the feelings of a mid-thirties parent facing their now adolescent man-child leaving home- it's visceral. I had the physical sensation of wanting to hold onto him, keep him close and not let anything change. Yes, wouldn't it be great if my semi-adult son could stay in the house with us forever???? Crazy people think these thoughts.
I was mired in a pity party that could rival anything Claire Danes threw out in My So Called Life when it occurred to me, via some very close personal family events, what an opportunity is before me: An opportunity to fully experience the sweet agony of unconditional love.
Ok, yes- all parents have unconditional love for their children (exceptions include Susan Smith, Dina Lohan, and of course, hamsters), but to fully experience it is a very different thing. It hurts like hell, but in the best possible way.
Love should never limit its participants- real Love marks the pathway to the limitless.
A person attempting to limit what you can bring to the world or take from it is only focusing on their own fear of losing what is very dear to them. I want to bring a whole and complete love to this situation.
So fly away, our 4th horseman of the Pement Apocalypse! We love you more deeply than you may ever know- until your own bratty kids up and ditch you.
That was beautiful, sissy. <3
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